Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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