I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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