I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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