Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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