i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize