just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
