just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
