Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
