So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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