dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
