i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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