you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
