remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you had me at cake vodka
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
