Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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