Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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