Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
