no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Four minutes until I can fart!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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