Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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