So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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