i think my mom watched the whole time
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
