I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
