i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
