God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
