Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize