I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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