moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
