The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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