I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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