She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
