found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
