and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
