We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize