i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she told me i tasted like america
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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