my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize