I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
