when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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