There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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