She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
