i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
