Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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