fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
