I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
