Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
