he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
