Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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