You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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