the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
