im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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