So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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