You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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