I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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