I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
