Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
